Gay men and porn

gay men porn videos - fallfromgrace.us

gay men and porn

Psychotherapist, coach and author Joe Kort, Ph.D, MSW, MA founded his practice in Its specialties include: Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy, emphasizing. Online video service that offers more than high quality free gay porn videos. One of the best collections of free gay sex movies in near HD (high definition) min. fallfromgrace.us 22 votes. min. HelixStudios votes. 05 min. Searching for GAY SEX VIDEOS and graphic ASS FUCKING? YouPornGay has all the PORN MOVIES you could ever want! Check out all of the XXX porn here.

Suddenly the secrecy and forbiddance were gone-and he lost his interest for sexual acting out for the rest of the night. Not every therapist agrees with the concept of sexual addiction.

My own working definition of addiction is any activity that interferes in your life in some way, but which you continue, despite the negative consequences. In fact, he coined the term in the subtitle of his landmark book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, 1 which helped a great many men identify behaviors that were causing them distress. Carnes's book didn't address gay men in particular, but his more recent Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction, includes examples of gay men and their sexual behaviors.

Healthy lovemaps evolve within a community or society that encourages affectionate caregiving and recognizes sex as natural, with no taboo or stigmatization. Money sees sexually compulsive behavior as the result of a lovemap "vandalized" through physical, emotional and sexual abuse, where children have suffered post-traumatic stress and injured their self-esteem, personal boundaries, and sense of trust.

I've found these three pioneering models to be effective in helping sexually compulsive gay men. The best approach may be different for different clients, though some benefit from a mixture of all three. For one, the addiction model may offer a behavioral and cognitive path to recovery.

For another, whose behavior is an anxiety-reducing form of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCDmedication can help. Finally, viewing the behavior as a vandalized lovemap suggests inquiry into childhood and early abuse: How did you develop your concepts of love and intimacy?

John, 35 years old, came to see me knowing that I specialize in sexual addiction. He asked whether his "excessive" sexual behavior was interfering with his relationship. He masturbated "twice or three times" a day. But to achieve orgasm, he needed porn. This was his paraphilia. Since adolescence, he'd masturbated to images of muscle-bound men with huge penises.

He'd purchase muscle magazines, watch Mr. Universe contests, and remain aroused throughout the show. But why did those images arouse him, when images of nude men having sex did not?

The Men In the Mirror:Understanding Gay Men and Their Porn

John imagined that all these men were straight or bisexual. If he even imagined they were gay, that didn't arouse him. Over the years, he'd had sex with various men, but never enjoyed them as much as porno movies and magazines.

He spent hours outside of health clubs and gyms where men worked out, masturbating his car with porn and muscle magazines. He spent hours at bookstores, looking for magazines featuring muscular men. Every minute, he was on the Internet, seeking images of body builders to store on his computer, then masturbate to these images. He even surfed the Net at work and in parking lots, even though he worried about getting caught-and that this habit prevented him from finding having a good, solid relationship.

Enjoying images of body builders is a normal turn-on. But in John's case, it had become compulsive.

True Life - I’m A Gay For Pay Porn Star (Highlight Scene) - MTV

When we explored his childhood, he recalled his mother criticizing his alcoholic father for "not being much of a man," because he couldn't hold jobs and bills went unpaid. In arguments with his critical and emasculating wife-who treated John the same way-he never fought back.

John recalled her laughing about how "poorly endowed" his father was. This never left his mind. At the school locker room, he was teased constantly for being smaller than the other boys. John knew he was within normal limits but, comparatively, was smaller than his classmates.

Also John's father was not around very much. He worked many hours and when he was not working he would be out drinking. John felt that his father just did not want to be home with his mother.

Through therapy he discovered his feelings of loss that his father was not around more for him leaving him with this castrating emasculating mother. This all matched up with how his father allowed his wife to treat him, never protecting him from her verbal abuse. In John's mind, body builders were "real men.

He tried to stop using pornography. We agreed that he might be a sexual addict. Most men don't need to examine their past history, when their sexual behavior isn't interfering with their lives. John, struggling with sexual compulsion, was forced to examine his sexual fantasies in order to decode his acting-out.

He began to recognize that his compulsive interest in bodybuilders was his attempt to get closer to a stronger father figure, since his own had been weak and impotent. This helped us both understand why his bodybuilding men had to be straight or bisexual-being that his father was a heterosexual man in relationship with a woman.

During his therapy, John complained that I wasn't giving him enough time. If he wanted more time with me, he'd make attempts to call me and not want to pay.

He'd get upset when I charged him for longer sessions, or not lower my fee if he came more than once a week.

He also said I should work out more and that I was out of shape for a gay man. I listened for the themes and the negative transference here and pointed out how John was projecting his father's "lack of time" for him onto me. At first these interpretations angered him.

He thought I was defending myself and minimizing his needs-more of the negative transference. Through the therapy, I allowed for the negative transference toward me as a therapeutic tool. To help him more, I ultimately placed him in a gay men's group therapy in addition to his individual therapy.

Current research shows that the best intervention for sexual addiction is individual, group and step meetings. Relational healing is what is needed for this intimacy disorder. At one SAA meeting there was a gay body builder and John began to "fall in love" with him. This went against John's template of being interested only in straight or bisexual bodybuilders.

Here was an opportunity to heal some of his compulsion and challenge his belief that he couldn't be attracted to gay men. Unfortunately, John's distraction by this particular group member kept him from engaging with the other group members or using the meetings effectively.

But this mirrored what he did in life. His preoccupation with pornographic images prevented him from developing healthy relationships. This was pointed out to him at the meetings, and he was challenged to either use the meetings the way they are intended, or be asked to leave the group.

John was forced to make a decision. Would he let himself do the work he needed to and not let a "bodybuilder" distract him? Through both the feelings he had toward this group member and me, he began to recognize that in fact they were transference of his feelings toward his father. While at first this felt shameful, he ultimately realized it was his shame of being neglected by a father who wasn't there for him. I encouraged him to go to his father and make attempts at connecting with him.

I told him it didn't matter what his father did with these repair attempts, because John was healing himself by going to his original source of pain and dealing with his feelings.

  • ARTICLES BY JOE KORT

We role-played various ways, with group members playing the role of John's "as if" father. With the group's help and support, he was willing to do this. Ultimately, his father wasn't able-or interested-to talk about John's feelings and validate them. At first, this was devastating. John came back to individual and group therapy, crying and angry about his father's responses.

But in group, he was less and less preoccupied with the bodybuilder and stopped asking for more time with me. His compulsion to act out sexually subsided. He went for longer and longer periods without using porn. Ultimately he met another man and began dating. While his interest in porn was still there, it no longer ruled his life.

Some men actually have aversions to gay sex and gay porn. They are either asexual or, as Patrick Carnes calls it, sexually anorexic. They show little to no interest in sex, and if the subject is addressed, it is repulsive to them.

At times they have sexual binges but afterward, they are disgusted. Tony was a year-old gay man who came to see me, struggling with being gay. He was in a five-year sexless relationship with another man, and bothered by the lack of sex and intimacy with his partner.

He was sexual with himself occasionally and used pornography while masturbating, but afterward would feel ashamed and disgusted with himself.

He came from a strong religious Catholic family who never accepted his being gay. His sister forbade him from seeing his nephews as long as he was in a "homosexual relationship. He had difficulty self-identifying as gay. He was able to see that being sexual with himself or his partner would go against his family's messages.

gay men and porn

I placed Tony in my gay men's group to help him with his internal homophobic feelings. In dealing with his sexual anorexia, I asked that he bring in some of his porn that he had at home.

My thoughts were to begin a pathway of him bringing what and who he was from underground. At first, Tony was vehemently against this It took approximately one year of exploring and talking about this before he was willing to do it.

He worried that I was trying to "get off" on his stash of porn, or that the group would do the same. I checked out if the group would support him and witness his sexuality. It was important that no one make fun of him or judge him harshly rather to witness and establish a "rite of passage" into what he enjoyed sexually.

Everyone agreed, and we created a "sacred space" around it to ritualize it. Shaking, sweating, riddled with anxiety, Tony brought in his porn magazines and showed us what turned him on the most. This was his work for a while, as he came in and showed us the images he enjoyed. He hadn't told his partner that he even had porn. I recommended that he do so. This took another six months. With Tony, I believe we were dealing with an intimacy disorder. He couldn't be "witnessed" as gay in his family.

The closer he was to his partner, the more obvious his gay orientation would be, separating him from his family even more. Tony was really less afraid of being gay than of what his family thought of him. I encouraged Tony to stand up to his family about who he was as a gay man. He admitted he wasn't up for any of that! This would involve a high level of separation anxiety. Thus his sexuality remained stunted, and his relationship to his partner asexual.

At times, prescribing gay pornography to a client has been counterproductive. Josh, 35 years old, had been partnered for 5 years-and was addicted to Internet chat rooms where he would contact and ultimately meet other gay men. His boss threatened to fire him after catching him in a chat room online at work. A dedicated employee, he still found himself unable to stop putting his job at risk; and his partner also pressured him to get help.

With me, Josh was glad to have identified his problem as sexual addiction. But after some time in group therapy, individual therapy and Sex Addicts Anonymous, he found himself unable to get aroused or stay erect with his partner. He couldn't talk about his sexual fantasies with the group his partner or me. He also had a stash of pornography that involved bondage. I encouraged him to talk about his fantasies and interests with his partner, show him his pornography, to look at it together, and bring it into their sex play.

These suggestions angered him. He felt I was going against the SAA program and viewed pornography as one of his boundaries. I told him I don't think porn has to be a boundary for everyone.

Porn Is Not a Public Health Crisis for Gay Men: Then Why Is It for Straight People?

I honored that that was how he saw it, but challenged his thinking. Could it be helpful in being sexual again with his partner? I was trying to normalize it for him. Instead, it alienated him.

I like Sex Addicts Anonymous's philosophy that what's a sexual boundary for one person may not be for another. But Josh didn't, and felt that anything sexual outside the context of his relationship was counterproductive and shameful to him. Even after I stopped suggesting he bring his pornography into the bedroom with his partner, Josh became increasingly angry with me.

Ultimately, he found another therapist and transferred out of group and individual with me. One of the gay male community's best features is our free expression of sexuality.

X-rated videos and DVDs are seen as a normal if not mandatory! This isn't just a gay issue, but a "guy" issue-whether gay, bi-attractional or heterosexual, men are men.

If straight guys were more honest, they would talk openly about the porn they enjoy and share their favorite sexual fantasies. Many gay men feel a healthy entitlement to their sexuality-as do men in general, in our society. It is part of our conditioning. As males, we're granted much more permission to be sexual than women are. But that our sexuality can be an obstacle and get in our way if we have a sense of entitlement at the expense of our partners.

But before it can be identified as a problem, something to heal, one has to ask: Is it interfering in my life? Marty and Sam came to me about Marty's use of pornography. Sam believed that Marty was a sex addict and in denial.

He felt Marty was comparing him to the images he looked at, even though Marty never made verbal comparisons. Marty insisted he didn't have a sexual addiction and wouldn't stop buying and viewing his porn. He felt the problem was that Sam was a prude. Throughout his childhood, Sam's father had many extramarital affairs, and Sam found his pornography around the house.

Marty, on the other hand, came from a very religious household that never talked at all about sex and sexuality. Just because someone views pornography, he doesn't instantly have a problem. But I do believe that if one partner is bothered by the other's viewing porn, then there's a problem in the relationship, and I tell the couple so.

In Sam and Marty's case, since Sam had a problem with Marty's porn use, they both had a problem.

gay men and porn

What a couple wants to do around sexuality or anything else, for that matter isn't for me to judge. I have opinions, will share them with my clients, but in the end, I promote couples-as I did with Marty and Sam-to talk openly and honestly to one another about what they both want in their relationship. To problems like this, a cookie-cutter approach isn't appropriate for all couples. I take into account both partners, their backgrounds, and try to get both to see how that's contributing to the problem.

Sam might have been over-reacting to Marty's porn due to his own father's sexual behavior. Marty might have taken a stand against Sam's because when he grew up, sexuality wasn't addressed or allowed. Through Sam, he may have been rebelling against his family.

In therapy with them, I told them both my thoughts. I also did a thorough evaluation of Marty's sexual past. But it is understood that no matter how much or little she is getting, she still is drawn to watching and reading about others in romantic love, and even fantasizing about being with the male character in the book or movie. If she is not getting enough romance from her partner she often turns to him and says, "I need and want you to be more like the men in my books and movies.

The other way around is not true. When men turn to their partners and tell them they would like her to engage in some of the things they are watching in porn they are shunned, shamed, judged and often looked at with contempt and disgust. And yet I would argue that what he is asking is similar to what she is asking, only in a different form.

She wants him to take all of her, and so does he.

Доступ ограничен

She wants to be told she is beautiful and his one and only, and so does he. She wants to be desired and pursued, and so does he. The difference is that she articulates this through emotional and relational ways, and he does so in sexualized ways in the erotic part of their relationship. No one should be judged or shamed about how they articulate their needs. If there were a more public conversation about this subject, more sexual literacy in our society, we would understand that men and women have different needs, different sexual and romantic fantasies.

Thus, the real public health crisis is a lack of sexual education. A step in the right direction could be having a conversation about gay men and lesbians who watch porn and are not in crisis over it.

It would be better if all children in schools could receive a proper sex education that included balanced representation of porn and all the ways that exist to be sexual that are not primarily and only heterosexual. There is no sex education in schools for gay boys, and so they have to turn to porn to get it. Discovering gay pornography is almost a rite of passage for young gay men.

gay men and porn

For sexually fluid men, or sexually repressed men, watching porn can begin to connect them to who they really are sexually. Sex is messy, politically incorrect, taboo on so many levels. Porn is not what we would do in real life. Just like in watching movies, it is fantasy.

Straight people need to learn what porn means to men. Men objectify more than women, who are more relational. And it is a scare tactic to say that watching porn leads to infidelity, as some have said. In fact, it is often way of not engaging in infidelity, an outlet that allows them to vicariously enjoy an act that they cannot do, like watching football--they can't play it but boy to they enjoy watching it. Some may say, "see what porn did to you?

This notion of a porn being a public health crisis pathologizes men's natural curiosity and tendencies toward watching porn, and I believe it is a distraction. Actually, as long as people understand what it is and isn't, porn can be a means by which we can explore and discover our own sexuality. So let's not jump to the easy conclusion that the vast viewing of porn is destroying our relationships and our nation.

Instead, let's put our efforts into a deeper understanding of each other's sexual needs, and what it says about our culture and the underlying difficulties in relating to our partners. Sexuality, Pornography, and the Law. Praeger, Santa Barbara, CA. Self-Perceived Effect of Pornography Consumption.

Arch Sex Behav Prause N, Pfaus J. Viewing sexual stimuli associated with greater sexual responsiveness, not erectile dysfunction. Sex Med doi: Pornography and sexual aggression: Are there reliable effects and can we understand them?

Annu Rev Sex Rs p.